I have once again found myself without a circle, network, or a group. I have been at this crossroad before. Deciding to stay at home with my son. A move. A move. A move. A baby. A winter. Every change met with new challenges.
I know life has seasons, literally and metaphorically. This season was hard. Losing my sense of self, all of my prior securities has been hard. Life has slowed down from excitement and I have had countless hours to ponder who I am and who I want to be. I pray for the moment when I can say enthusiastically answer that "what do you do" question.
The last three weeks were utterly hard. Exhausting. I found my self stretched beyond what I felt I could survive. I craved for a change. I needed something, but I wasn't sure what. I have spent hours searching for groups or events for kids.
A change of pace.
I felt myself start to slip into a state of depression. Perhaps, I didn't fit the mold for all PPD symptoms. But, I knew I was close.
My sister sensed it in my voice. Though 1000s of miles away, she let me cry and offered some advice. My husband has been so incredibly supportive throughout all of this. He would rush home and tell me to leave and go do something for me. A haircut, a trip to JoAnns, a walk.
We hashed out a plan for change. We decided to go home for Easter (Montana). It has been almost six years since we have been home for a holiday. We typically go in July as we don't risk spending a holiday in an airport (not fun without kids). As soon as we started talking about the possibility, I got excited. I felt my load lift a little, enough to realize again that this is temporary. Life wont be hard forever. Tickets were booked and plans were discussed.
Monday morning. Me + baby + toddler are headed to Montana. Steve wasn't able to take the full week off on such short notice, but will join us on Thursday. It will be hard to be without him for a few days. We realized that we have only spent about a dozen days apart in the last six years. Oh I will miss him. The kids will miss him. But, I am excited. I am excited to be in a room full of crazy laughter and noise, obnoxious movie quoting, and just being.
Say a prayer that the trip will go smoothly. Fortunately, We are all on the same flight the following Monday.